I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
it's like iHOP with fire
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
