Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
