Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
