Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
