I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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