Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
