someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
