I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
