The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize