U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
