Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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