Already got asked if we're dating
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
