she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Randomize
