she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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