There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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