Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize