He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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