That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
