you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
