I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize