Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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