farters have to be the big spoon...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize