I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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