At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
