well I can't set my house on fire every night
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
