Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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