You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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