I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
