She is in my trunk
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
