I want to have your abortion
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
