it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
