Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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