3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
