tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
