but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
