you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think your dad took our porno
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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