My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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