dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
