i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize