you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
