I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
