You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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