im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize