I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
