Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
