Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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