Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
