I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
