...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
