i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
