Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
