There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
