Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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